


on and on we go

by ohallows



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: (for episode 181), Brothers, Coda, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28856919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: i am Currently listening to 182 and have no idea if this has been jossed or not
Relationships: Feryn Smith & Zolf Smith
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	on and on we go

**Author's Note:**

> i am Currently listening to 182 and have no idea if this has been jossed or not

The garden is beautiful and terrifying at the same time. The mist crawls around tree roots like a sentient thing, twirling around the trunks until it vanishes into the thick branches above. The trees in the distance… move, almost, shifting at the corner of Zolf’s vision. After Cel had told them all last night about the trees moving, they’d all begin to notice how none of them seem to sit still. Colours shift throughout the garden, all submitting eventually to the eerie blue light that hangs over the entire thing.

After nearly two years of dealing with the blue veins and waiting for everyone he trusts and loves to be turned into nothing more than part of a hive mind, to say he’s  _ tense  _ would be an understatement. The blue light isn’t helping - just reminds him of bad memories that he’d really rather forget. And it doesn’t  _ help  _ that all of them are on edge, waiting to be confronted with spectres of their past. Or present. Or future, considering the entire bloody garden is apparently an  _ oracle  _ of some sorts. 

He tightens his grip on his glaive as they head further in, knuckles white. His lips are pressed tightly together as his eyes scan the landscape; it’s hard to see much, here, with how oppressive the mist is, and shapes dance at the edge of his vision, disappearing anytime he looks them head on. 

Zolf can’t help but think back to Kew, with all of its strangeness. It’s a bit different - there’s one  _ glaring  _ difference, in the absence of Sasha. He… really hopes that they don’t meet her in here. She said she was happy in Rome, and Zolf wants to keep believing that. He doesn’t want to meet something in the garden that takes Sasha’s name and tries to tell them what they think it wants.

They walk in silence for a while and come to a clearing. 

“We should… I hate to say it,” Hamid says. 

“Then don’t?” Zolf replies, only feeling a little bit bad when Hamid gives him half a hurt look. They’ve been like that recently - on edge, in a way that Zolf doesn’t know how to fix. It had gotten better with the whole reveal of Hamid not  _ actually  _ being in charge of the kobolds, but that’s the kind of stuff that doesn’t go away just because someone apologises. Hamid hadn’t hated it, and Zolf can’t get that out of his head.

“I was going to say,” Hamid says, a little unsure. “That we should spread out. Only in this clearing!” he adds, as everyone, even Azu, gives him a confused and concerned look. “I just think - well, it would be easier to see if there’s anything of interest here without letting people out of our sights.”

“It is not a poor idea,” Sumutnyerl says, inclining her head. Hamid gives her a small smile, still looking awkward. “Please do not go too far. This garden is… strange, especially now, with the Blight spreading throughout it.”

Everyone nods and chooses a section, Zolf a bit more hesitantly than most. He doesn’t love the idea of splitting up, even here, but they are on a bit of a time limit, and he’d like to get back to the city as soon as he can so that they can figure out where to go from here.

As he gets closer to the edge of the clearing, there’s a rustling in the trees, and Zolf pauses, hand already moving toward his glaive. 

“Who’s there?” he calls, quietly. He doesn’t want to alarm the others, not yet, but he’s ready to call them over the second the situation turns. 

A shape steps out through the trees, and Zolf takes a startled step back. 

“...Feryn?” Zolf asks, because he can’t quite believe it himself, but his brother - his  _ brother _ , all wispy and grey and  _ smiling  _ at him like Zolf isn't the  _ reason  _ he’s dead in the first place - just nods.

“Hey, Zolf,” he says, and his voice is the  _ same,  _ a little bright, a little wry, and Zolf thought he had started to forget it, but it’s right  _ there,  _ and he never thought he would see his brother again. “You look  _ old.” _

“You’re not real,” he mutters, but he can’t stop looking at Feryn. “You’re in my head, because I miss you, and because I wish I could still talk to you everyday. This isn’t real. It can’t be. You’ve been dead for  _ years,  _ it -“

“It’s me, mate,” Feryn says, and there’s  _ something  _ about the the way he says it, the way he’s standing, the way he’s  _ smiling,  _ that makes Zolf believe him. 

He doesn’t know if Feryn is even solid enough to touch, but his brother makes the decision for him as he steps forward and pulls Zolf into a tight hug. Zolf’s hands are shaking as they come up around his back.

“Feryn, I’m so sorry, I -“ he mumbles, tears slipping down his cheeks as he clutches at the back of his brother’s coat. “The mine - it was all my fault, I couldn’t - I didn’t mean to, I was messing about, and -“

“You have to let it go, mate,” Feryn says, and pulls back a bit to hold Zolf’s shoulders. “It  _ wasn’t  _ your fault. I don’t blame you for it, and I don’t  _ want  _ you to blame yourself for it. I knew it was dangerous to be down there, even just for an inspection, and I shouldn’t have forced you to come with me. I know how much you hated it down there.”

“But I - the post, it -“ Feryn shakes his head.

“The post was rotting through, Zolf. It would have -“

“It was still my fault,” he says, burying his head into Feryn’s shoulder. Feryn’s hand strokes along his back, the same comforting pattern that he’d used when they were kids and Zolf was in the middle of a panic attack. “If I hadn’t done it, you’d still be here, and I wouldn’t have run away, and Mum and Dad wouldn’t -“

“Hey. Hey. Zolf. Look at me,” Feryn says, and Zolf pulls back as well, looking up at him. “It’s okay. Everything doesn’t have to be on you, okay? You need to let this  _ go. _ ”

Zolf stares at him for a moment, mouth working. “I don’t know how to. I’ve been carrying it for so long.”

“Try. For me? I - look, I know how you get? I know how you get. And I just want you to know that it’s  _ okay.  _ This... weight, keeping you down? I don’t blame you for any of it, back then. I love you, mate. You were a stubborn git, but you were the best younger brother I ever had, okay?” 

Zolf half-snorts through his tears. “I was the only younger brother you ever had,” he says, voice shaky. 

Feryn grins wider and pokes him in the cheek. “There he is.”

Zolf bats his hand away, but Feryn’s smile doesn’t disappear. 

“I’m so proud of you, Zolf,” Feryn says, looking over his shoulder at, presumably, everyone else who’s stopped to watch this interaction. “Making friends? Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Oh, shut up,” Zolf says, and for a moment it’s like nothing’s ever changed as Feryn reaches out and ruffles his hair.

“Really, Zolf. I’m proud of you. Of who you are,” Feryn says, and that starts the tears all over again as they roll down Zolf’s face. “We’ll see each other again, mate, don’t worry,” he says, clapping Zolf on the shoulder. “But it best not be too soon, yeah? You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it. Seems like you got a good group around you, now.”

“I miss you so much,” Zolf says, and Feryn’s lip quirks up into a little smirk. 

“Of course you do,” he says. “Best older brother you’ve ever had, yeah?”

Zolf shakes his head and smiles up at him too. He hugs Feryn - his ghost, or his memory, he isn’t really sure which - as tightly as he can, wishing against all sense that he could bring his brother back to him. Feryn fades away in his arms, spirit returning to the garden. 

The glow fades, giving way to the eerie blue of the garden once more, and Zolf stands there alone, feeling the cold of the garden creeping in around him once more. The silence isn’t as all-encompassing as it usually is, and the solid weight of grief that’s been sitting on his shoulders feels a little bit lighter. He hears footsteps behind him, and half-turns to face them. 

“Hey, buddy,” Cel says in a low voice once the ghost has vanished. Their voice is comforting, and they step forward to put a gentle hand on Zolf’s shoulder. It’s a lifeline, almost, and he reaches up and squeezes their hand as well, staring at the space where his brother disappeared. “Do you need a minute? We can - this isn’t going to change anytime soon, we can give you a bit to collect your thoughts.”

Zolf shakes his head slowly, and wipes at the tears that have gathered on his cheeks. “No, I - I needed that, I think. Thanks, though, er. Just gonna… stand here, for a bit.”

“We’re here if you need us,” Azu says, with an encouraging smile.

They all disperse, heading toward the other edge of the clearing to give Zolf some space. He’ll go over to them in a moment, but for now, he needs to think.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY LISTEN THEY SAID THE PAST COULD COME BACK AND IK EVERYONE IS THINKING ABT SASHA AND GRIZZOP AND I AM TOO B U T ALSO!!! ALSO AS ONE OF THE BIGGEST FERYN STANS T H I N K A B O U T I T.
> 
> THIS IS CUT SHORT BC I DIDNT HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO WEITE IT ANYWAY.
> 
> wrote this in like. a grand total of maybe 30 minutes
> 
> cant wait for this episode to just be famed atla episode “the swamp”


End file.
